If you have a disinclination towards sex, then it may be prudent of you to ‘click’ close now. One dark cold night last week I was reminiscing to an age gone by and ‘the sexual awakening.’ I was eleven or twelve (I know possibly a bit young and this could explain a lot) I was watching Star Trek, in particular Lieutenant Uhura, when something happened. I’ll spare you the detail but two things came into my mind. One – I’d done something really bad and was now Hell-bound for eternity. Two – I needed to do some research.
Kevin, our school expert, said he had stuck a pin in his testicles and a milky liquid had come out and he had also got his penis stuck in a milk bottle. He also had a habit of picking his nose and eating it. Having had a vasectomy some years ago I know the pin thing was a lie, I never tried the milk bottle experiment.
My research led me to a book called ‘Hells Angels.’ Not recommended as reading material for your 11-12 year old. There was something that puzzled me. Apparently, to get his Red Wings, these are similar to Scout Badges, an Angel had to commit cunnilingus on a menstruating woman? These words were definitely not on our school spelling list. Humph! More research. I checked the various meanings and and then drew my conclusions. It was all about monthly cycles, why some women could only go for a bike ride once a month was beyond me, and kissing a ladies ‘thing’. Obviously a competition where a lady sat on a playground roundabout, I was clever enough to know that a bicycle wouldn’t work. As she spun round, that was the cycle bit, the Hells Angels tried to kiss her ‘thing,’ haha sorted!
I couldn’t wait to tell Kevin, he laughed and enlightened me. Really, I mean really! He then told me that girls let you put your willy in their mouth. So, I asked my good friend Rosalie if she would like me to put my willy in her mouth? She declined, stating she would rather have a lollipop. Reporting back to Kevin, he said he did it himself. Don’t try this at home! The problem was that when you lean so far forward you ‘tipple tail.’ After ‘tipple tailing’ around the lounge, naked, for twenty minutes I noticed our Corgi dog staring at me. Head cocked on one side with a ‘What the F’ look on it’s face, I gave up! My research had been disappointing and I went back to playing football, grass fights and the occasional kiss with Rosalie for few years 😉