A Language of Your Own

When I was a very small boy I didn’t speak English. My family communicated with me by using pictures. I would say something and they would get out various  books and when I spoke they pointed to things until I nodded.

An example; I once informed them that there was,”A howashay bin da cowashay”. After several books, even more tantrums (they weren’t very good at it) and a walk around the farm they finally understood. “There was an elephant in the cowshed”. Of course, I was the only one who could see said elephant, so much had to be taken on trust.

One day an electrician came to do some work and so I assisted him (fresh meat). Upon leaving he posed a question to my mother.

“Nice kid, when’s he going back?”

“Back where?” asked mum

“To France, he is French isn’t he?”

“No! He’s my son.” Picking up on my mum’s tone the electrician decided not to pursue the conversation and left.

Let me set the scene a two year old boy on a farm all day by himself (and you thought Forest Gump was strange) Your parents are in their forties and you have two older sisters. One of them relishes pinning you to the floor and licking your face or tickling you until you pee your pants. The other one listens to Rock’n’Roll, jives with you and tells you that Elvis is really God.

Your role model is a pretend friend called Johnny (cool name) and you have a pretend girlfriend called June (birthday month). You also have a horse called Red (no idea). June is quite lovely but always being kidnapped by red indians  native Americans and tied to a tree. Most of your day is spent sneaking into the enemy camp and releasing June, getting nettled, tying dock leaves to your legs (eases the sting) and inventing things that don’t work. The Native Americans only speak Sioux or Crow, June and Johnny only speak via you and you, at two-year-old don’t have anyone to talk to.

And they wonder why I had my own language.

Posted in Freedom, History, Humour, Life, Opinion, people | Tagged , , , , , , | 19 Comments

Time and Age, Where Does It Go?

Everyone says time passes a lot faster as you get older, but does it?

I can’t remember how quickly time passed when I was a kid. If it passed slower back then, was it because I was less busy? I always seemed busy. Time does seem to pass rather quickly today if I am busy or not, so maybe they are right. But, why?

I heard this bloke on the radio some time back who had a theory. Basically, he was saying that time passed much more slowly when you were a child because you lived in the moment. Whereas as an adult will plan days, weeks, months and often years ahead and so ‘the moment’ is shorter, I suppose that this makes sense.

When I am on holiday the days go slow but the whole holiday seems to pass quickly. Television has to be part of the problem, surely? When I was a kid on the farm I played outside all day. This usually ended up with me rescuing an imaginary girlfriend from the Indians, they always tied her to the same tree so I didn’t need Poirot to find her. Freud would love that one wouldn’t he?

The ideas for these games all came from books, in my family you read every night or you were read to. On the day the television arrived I was called in to watch, after about five minutes the novelty wore off and I was back outside. Skip six years and I was hooked, Man From Uncle, Laramie, The Last of the Mohicans, Champion the Wonder horse, Flicka and the list goes on. Your day became less of a day and more of a space in time you had to get through until your favourite TV programme came on.

I just hope it all slows down again when I retire, maybe I’ll buy a tricycle and tie Mrs Countryboy to a tree ;-)


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Magical Mystery Tour, There’s no Mystery Really

Last night, Saturday 6th October, the BBC repeated the Beatles Magical Mystery Tour film. There has been a vast array of comments on this film from ‘rubbish’ to ‘phenomenal’. What amazes me is how some people are surprised that the parents of the time hated it whereas the younger generation loved it. It wasn’t just the kids that  loved it the ‘arty farties’ loved it too. Please don’t be upset by the term arty farty if you are one, I mean no disrespect, I too have been put in this class from time to time.

Isn’t that how it should be? Children today must be aghast when they come home from school and see mum bopping around the kitchen to Rihanna while dad is on the computer trying to get tickets for Glastonbury. I mean, is nothing sacred?

When I watched Alice Cooper on Top of the Pops my dad used to peek over the top of his newspaper and say something along the lines of, “What the bloody hell is that!?” When Monty Python came on he didn’t even bother peeking.

Magical Mystery Tour was ground breaking because it was the first. There was no plot and to be honest it was just a little bit of nonsense, which is exactly what popular music should be. I’ve heard Noel Gallagher say that people try to work out the deeper meaning of his lyrics. There aren’t any, but he’s not going to complain if people want to think there are. It just adds to the whole Gallagher legend.

When President Obama sang Al Green’s song to Al Green he wasn’t making a political statement, he was having a bit of fun. I love the way people have this thing about making out that pop music has a serious side. Have you seen X-Factor? Dear Lord, it’s more serious than national elections. It’s a talent contest, people, that’s all, nothing more nothing less. I use the word talent loosely. I watched five minutes of said X-Factor last night. There was a girl, pretty I agree, but she looked like Shania Twain, she moved like Shania Twain and she sounded a bit like Shania Twain, so whats the point?

See? I have become my dad, my sons can at last relax and get me slippers for Christmas ;-)

Posted in Entertainment, Fiction, Film, History, Humour, Life, Opinion, people, Television | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Jose’s Bar

Jose’s bar had never really been a bar. It had always been a shack and he only sold beer, and that was in bottles. Jose liked to drink beer in the evenings, so it was a fitting career for him. He was a huge man, and every fifteen minutes or so he would reach into his chest fridge, open one of the small bottles and drink the content down in one go. Sometimes he would get a cheer, and sometimes he wouldn’t, but he was still the only man in the village that could drink a bottle of beer down in one go.

His bar had been the only bar in the village for a long time. There were other bars in the village now but, the fishermen still came to Jose’s. There were no seats and no tables but there was the comradeship and of course there was the hill. If you wanted to drink beer, and see the hill then you had to go to Jose’s.

The fishermen of the village loved to gamble and so the hill was important. On top of the hill was the lifeblood of the village, the generator. The generator was old, and on average, it would break down three times a week. When all the lights went out, the men of Jose’s bar would cheer and make their way outside.

It took Miguel five minutes to get from his house, with his tools and start the climb. That is when the gambling started. How long would it take Miguel to climb the hill, start the generator and climb down again? That was the gamble.
It usually took Miguel around twenty minutes, but no two people could gamble on the same time, and so, there was only ever one winner. On this particular night, Miguel was up and down the hill in ten minutes, and there had been no hammering. It was more exciting when the men could hear Miguel hammering. There was a greater sense of drama when Miguel hammered. But the men cheered anyway when the lights came back on.
Carlos was very happy. Carlos always bet ten minutes. He had done so for three years, and had never won. Carlos bought everyone a drink. Jose drank a beer down in one go and everyone cheered.

Later that night Jose was finishing up, when, there was tap on the door. He opened it and was suprised to see Miguel standing there.
“What do you want?”
“I need a pay rise,” said Miguel simply.
“The village pay you to go up the hill and fix the machine, take it up with the village.”
“But, it is you who pays me to go up the hill first and stop it. In ten years I have never had a pay rise.”
“How much?” Jose asked suspiciously.
“Two hundred pesetas,” said Miguel.
“Done,” said Jose.
“Maybe I should have asked for more,” Miguel sounded disappointed.
“Maybe you should have,” and Jose closed the door.

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A Week in Further Education. Oh My!

So here I am still alive and kicking after my first week as a Carpentry Lecturer in a Further Education College. The first two days were pure induction, now you know I’m not one to pick fault ;-) but really? All the teacher training I have done to date (and that’s not a lot) emphasises ‘students are not empty vessels’. Obviously teachers and lecturers are. Where was my diverse lesson? Where was my differentiation? Why have I just been assaulted by numerous Heads of Departments with a torrent of information none of which I remember because they did not, ‘ensure that learning had taken place’? It’s ok my colleagues on my wing  department put me right.

The students, sweet sixteen and never been kissed? Hardly, was I really like that when I was sixteen? They have more mood swings than a pregnant  Albanian (if you’re Albanian you’ll know what I mean if you’re not and you go to Albania keep away from the pregnant women). I realise that teenagers need a lot of sleep, but guys, does it have to be in my theory lesson?

To be fair it went well for a man who had no lesson plan, no confidence and at one point no classroom, which had been taken over by the External Verifier.This seemed to cause a lot of head scratching, ‘Oh, what to do with the Yorkshire geezer and his bunch of construction boys’.

I suggested in my best, ‘Pride of Miss Jean Brodie’ voice that, “I’ll take my boys to the park, after all we are the creme de la creme”. After some serious discussions out of our earshot we were dispensed to the library. Twelve, hormonal, male, trainee carpenters in a library? Oh boy did we have fun! They won’t take my room away again in a hurry ;-).

Posted in Education, Film, Humour, Life, Opinion, people | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 23 Comments

Why Hate Chris Moyles, or Anyone?

Continue reading

Posted in Entertainment, History, Humour, Life, Media, Opinion, people, Radio, Television | Tagged , , , , , , , | 20 Comments

Lovely Blog Award

I am an inherently lazy person, who for reasons that lay beyond my comprehension, seems to work hard? For instance I was nominated for the One Lovely Blog Award by a really great storyteller http://themercenaryresearcher.wordpress.com/ and I have been sitting on it for a while, then I was nominated again by this great photographer I have found http://patriciaddrury.com/, I mean on WordPress, not found at the back of my sock draw or anything like that.

This reminded me that I have been nominated twice before and haven’t done anything about it. See the lazy bit now? As a result I have decided to  respond to all three. See where the hard work bit comes in? So thanks Patricia and my little librarian friend and I’ll do them in reverse order.

The Lovely Blog Award.

7 Random things about me.

1/ I don’t like Gnocchi, I will eat anything, really! But not that.

2/ I don’t like anyone to touch my toes. When I was kid my sisters used to hold me down while my mum cut my toenails.

3/ I’ve lived in a lot of places, too many to mention.

4/ I once dreamt that I was reading and I needed to sleep so I woke  myself up looking for my bookmark.

5/ When I was a kid I was frightened of the Red Indian Native American that lived in our airing cupboard.

6/ I wrote my first short story when I was forty-five, it was published straight away and it’s been downhill since then ;-)

7/ I wish my guitars were not the most important things in my life and so  does my wife ;-)I was joking about the guitar thing, (just in case you-know-who reads this)

My nominations for this award are as follows. As I have two of these to do then I shall most likely fit everyone in at some stage, except http://bluefishway.wordpress.com/ as he is Blog Award Free Zone ;-)

1/ http://twissblog.com/ Recently discovered but a great source for the current election.

2/ http://darklynoon.wordpress.com/  I find what this guy has to say really interesting.

3/ http://butimbeautiful.wordpress.com/ For making me smile and think.

4/ http://mylifeinheartbeats.wordpress.com/ I guess you could say it does what it says on the tin.

5/ http://lifeisbutalabyrinth.wordpress.com/ I just love this blog

Pause for a moment; you can see why I don’t do a critique page can’t you?

6/ https://backroadscholar.wordpress.com/about/ There is a lot of stuff here I like the variation, thanks Layton.

7/  http://kateshrewsday.com/ Lovely tales from Kate

8/  http://brightlightsbigcacti.wordpress.com/ Susan’s stories and musings are great.

9/  http://carrpartyoffive.wordpress.com/ There’s a great zest of life here, thanks Lis.

10/ http://susienorden.wordpress.com/ Loads of stuff here, you’ll never get bored.

Pause, gee this is hard work, I have now decided to go down the list of most commented because I think I am losing the will to live ;-)

11/ http://ciggiecramond.wordpress.com/ If you don’t read anything else read http://ciggiecramond.wordpress.com/2012/09/10/fais-gaffe/

12/ http://www.thewhyaboutthis.com/ Ah lovely Penny, go and take a look for yourself.

13/ http://dailylifewithfibromyalgia.wordpress.com/ A very brave woman go say hello, interesting stuff.

14/ http://www.gonnasayit.com/ I like Bob’s attitude.

15/ http://palomasharma.wordpress.com/ This young lady has a lot to say, ha, and it’s very well said.

I have now run out of time so if you are not here please don’t be upset, I’ll get you on the next one and I’ve probably done you a favour. ;-)

(Beams at everyone with that Gwyneth Paltrow type smile)

“Annnddd Cut!! Dim lights” ……….

Posted in Blogging | 19 Comments